A grade-conscious student these days seems to need a custom job, and to judge from the number of services on the Internet, there must be virtual mills somewhere employing armies of diligent scholars who grind away so that credit-card-equipped undergrads can enjoy more carefree time together.
How good are the results? With first semester just getting under way at most colleges, bringing with it the certain prospect of both academic and social pressure, The Times decided to undertake an experiment in quality control of the current offerings. Using her own name and her personal e-mail address, an editor ordered three English literature papers from three different sites on standard, often-assigned topics: one comparing and contrasting Huxley’s “Brave New World” and Orwell’s “1984”; one discussing the nature of Ophelia’s madness in “Hamlet”; and one exploring the theme of colonialism in Conrad’s “Lord Jim.”
A small sample, perhaps, but one sufficient, upon perusal, to suggest that papers written to order are just like the ones students write for themselves, only more so ― they’re poorly organized, awkwardly phrased, thin on substance, but masterly in the ancient arts of padding and stating and restating the obvious.
If they’re delivered, that is.
Top 10 Advice to Grade-Conscious Undergraduates
By an impoverished, exploited, and jaded ex-TA (Teaching Assistant)
1) Know the Official Statistics: If grades matter to you, don't go to a school where the average GPA is 2.1. There is a reason for that. The Law of Averages isn't a law for nothing.
2) Sharpen your Ears: Keep up with faculty gossip. I don't care if he's a recent Nobel Laureate. A nasty divorce will mean C's for EVERYONE.
3) Know Thyself: If you are a man of few words, stay away from classes that use essay questions on the exams. The excuse, But it' is not in my nature to explain my arguments, isn't going to fly.
4) Spatial Comprehension: Know where the TAs sit in the classroom. Honestly, we don't care if you are watching a movie, IMing with friends, or surfing the web during class. But please note that if we are sitting right behind you, we can read everything on your screen. Unless you score >95% on both the midterm and final exam, it will come up in our discussion of grades.
5) Enjoy Life: If you had a long night and plans to snore through class, don't bother coming. Honestly, there are >100 students in the class and we don't really care whether you can make it or not. Don't be alarmed when the TA approaches you during the break and suggests that you sleep in the comfort in your own bed. We are really looking out for your best welfare, as we are paid to do, as well as the interests of your classmates.
6) Know what NOT To Read: Believe me, there is no way we can cover all 500 pages of the assigned readings in the 2 hour class. Talk to the TA, talk to the prof, or students who took the class last year. Don't ask: What can I get away with not reading? Instead, ask: What do you think is the most important concept I should look for in the readings? Then skim.
7) Dress for Success: Thanks for coming to Office Hours. However, a bikini top and a short skirt where the TA can't look at you without seeing your thong is a cause for alarm. Correlatively, decking yourself from head to toe in Pradas, LVs, and Manolo Blahniks is also not going to help your plea for a higher grade. Remember TA salaries qualify us for welfare support.
8) Demonstrate Soft Skills: I once had a student who did well in class, yet didn't always get the high scores. She was always very friendly and respectable in and out of class. She demonstrated attentiveness and effort, and was very professional in all her correspondences. If my little cousin was going to college in New York instead of another state, I would haves set him up on a blind date with her. This girl is going to do very well in life. Needless to say I made sure she got a good grade in the class.
9) Know who your Trump Cards are, and when to play them: This is typically saved for the more savvy students who know how to navigate the system, so I can't really disclose trade secrets. But just remember that there is always a way around the system.
10) Turn prestige into Social Capital: The professor has tenure and does not give a damn if your father is the president or CEO of XYZ, or if you attended a VIP event last night at the Met with [insert famous names here]. But your TAs do! You are our one link to the outside world and we LOVE juicy gossip!
10a) Turn success into Social Capital: I once had a student who demonstrated zero ability for analytical thinking and conceptual comprehension. Never mind her failing exam, but I was seriously worried for her intellectual development. But the prof sat me down and broke it to me gently: She has just been offered 50K starting salary plus bonus at a famous multi-national investment banking firm. Well, who am I to stand in the way of someone's success or the decay of corporate America? Passing grade it is!
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